Family

 I sat back and got to thinking ,,,

Why am I the way.....

 I am!

Why do I do the things...

 I do?

And each time this voice tells me 

Family 

They are our first teachers of the otherness ...

People other than ourselves that we must interact with...

I'd imagine if I had a family that communicated well - id communicate better with others

I imagine if we trusted each other more - I'd trust others 

I imagine if we loved each other more- I'd be a better lover

If I dealt with my emotions more .... Well you get the picture ...

Now I'm not blaming anyone or trying hurting anyone but I understand when I meet really good people why they are so great .... Or good ...or decent 

Do I envy it of course....

Do I wish for it of..... course

But understand that everything has it's clinches 

"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina, Chapter 1, first line

Russian mystic & novelist (1828 - 1910)   

It's the beginning of the things I ponder....

Trembling

So many before me have suffered I'm not the only one 

These words are keeping my heart from exploding like the sun

I've been banished from the warmth I'm grown accustom to.

To say I've been casted out is true.

My stomach fills now with just putrid venom poisons my head

See but rage and flames days in never seldom said

I'm in constant dispare

Set in my ways 

I'm ill; With faith; with love 

I can see all my errors nothing left unphased

Only after the present and future has blended in this is what I see 

God has marked my journey

He saw that I'd fail him not once but many times before

Ah but my reasoning may have the floor

I wanted to just fight for you

I wanted to win you 

 not once but many more for you knew

Abandonment of my God caused this soul to get sick and I'm left to.

I glorified a man and I was casted out

He defiled me with permission 

In the desert without any mission

Without food or shelter 

I've been deemed reprehensible 

Unconceivable 

Untreatable 

How the good lord has said in action you will not see me 

Hear me 

No man will ever forgive me; no other

I am the guilty that fueled me and I went against another 

The faint vision is of forever sleep

Hopelessness is all I see

Listen to me one last time, I'll comfort you, completely

But you bested me

You outgrown me and all my ways

You say the doors always open 

But you secretly locked it since that day

For all days 

To teach me a lesson with God at your side...

Forever abandoned 

Because of this pride...

Now my win is to go but not to a place that anyone can place their feet

Irradicate the disappointment to God 

I admit my defeat

Possible to not tremble but to compose and sleep.

I read and listen it's not all away. 

Can agony match whats eating me for always? 

 

A cure

Confronting that monster that haunts 

Builds neuroses towards black holes 

Dreaming of an escape of a my failures 

I'm sure the days end but at the result of double enduring 

I've been pressing theses corners of my own padded walls

But it's been a long summer and my soul is listless 

My heart has failed 

As most 

My Sylvia has started explaining to me her ways 

That distitute drifting over still echo less waters

What happened to the dream state us dreamers make 

 We plan and date...

I'm so alone in these walls 

The lone fearful crier

Thinking in rounds as Kurt plays his sounds

I had a miser who use to let me be fascinated by him

 consumed by him 

Reflect only him 

I ended up saying only goodbyes to him

My wonders aren't subtle 

My curiosity often dances 

Marguex would have answered thoughts for me 

Where's that escape ?

Remember when you find it 

You'll never come back ...

You'll never visit your loved ones 

Play me something 

Read to me something 

Send me somewhere new 

While staying still

How to get to that escape ? 

Silence

It's obvious what the noise is like 

It clouds you and fills 

It's impetulant 

The cut is deep and the wounds turn gray

The spirit dances in the river 

But no splashes give way 

The horizon never creeps like insects 

It's swarms in 

Yet the noise is deafening 

I want pain and loud 

Passionate sounds 

This silence however is crushing me

Mind body and soul

If I passed on nobody would know 

No one would look for me

Rather

Especially not you 

You'd leave me crush me 

Push me fight me 

But never let me in 

You'd let me quietly be surrounded by your nonchalant 

Id die and you'd never know

You and all the rest 

Kill with silence 

But you do it best. 

Complicated

God has evacuated me 

The emptiness is profound 

He has truly abandoned me 

I feel no heavenly cloak 

Because I left my culture I guess god is punishing me for good 

Ill never hear him

He will never come to me in a dream 

It's he who makes you question everything. 

It's in gods plan his decision 

Life long punishments 

I controlled enough and now he is just watching me suffer 

Linger in misery 

 I'm in misery 

Yet I can't end my breathe 

I have beings to raise 

I'm in misery

Ill never know what really happiness is about 

He is punishing me for being here breathing air 

I didn't ask to be here 

There's no cure

Except the cease of life. 

God isn't there in death 

He no longer calls the shots in death 

No need to get on your hands and knees and pray 

I can't wait to not be held to god stringent guidelines. 

In death we only have death 

You can't hurt people 

You can't hurt your self 

You don't have goals and expectations 

You don't fall in love in death 

You don't need to have sex

You don't need to orgasm 

You just cease to be 

Your light turns out 

Bulbs burn out always 

So if I leave this life I can't hurt the god that am suppose to devote my every waking moment for. 

You can't disappoint a jealous god if you aren't alive to disappoint 

How to live this world is the next process.

Pills, drugs. Inflicted pain cuts and others things aren't working.

God has evacuated me....

What would you do ... I'd rather burn out then be smothered .....

My sacrifice

I know I am not worth much 

but for the longest time I knew I'd slightly make a mark. 

So I fixated on better versions of me. I only the focused of making sure they wouldnt emulate me. 

Why replicate the person I loathe the most ?

myself 

So I let my wills create. My body found who would make you magmatic ,... My body complied. 

When you came out into the world my first love you were stunning .... A true sight 

a beauty

You belted out demands but I loved

slaving over you .... 

You were my dream my perfect picturesque design ... 

Your skin glowed so heavenly. 

And your scent was pure 

like purest drugs.

I loved cradling you and lavishing you. 

I made my king... As you aged I wish I could stay in the high ...

that I  created but life curved me. 

It over burdened me it caused my frustration And anger ...

 The days of my allowed obsession was silenced. 

I knew I'd replicate you in a love that would fulfill us. 

So the music played and over shadowed

Life divided me I wanted my youth and to mother you but even with the noise that I craved and a friendship I procured. I was losing sight of you, 

So my cravings and longing for whole ness .... Sent me a quest 

My body said my angel was needed. 

When the notion 

Let me explain this notion .... she .... yes she .... came to me in a dream....

And she was beautiful 

She tickled me from the loneliest part of me. 

 her entry was telling ... Not even a person yet but she made her self known. 

My world was shook once I thought she was leaving me once ,... Blood filled shame...

I cried on my hand and knees 

 

i thought god left me but no she fought through. 

Before I even knew

 she was my girl;  she was my princess .... I didn't have much for her arrival but I'd steal air just for her. 

I'd commit crimes for her 

13:33pm she blessed me. 

My king and princess blessed me. 

As god laughs at my inner turmoil that once plagued me to want to drown myself  

to want to hang my head 

to poison my being. 

He force into me life. 

Amazing resilient life. 

My babies are my everything without them I'd be ashes in a jar on a mantle.

 A distant story that later became ashameful  forgotten story. 

Now I'm just writing everything even if its my last words. 

I'm writing my distant and my life preservers in full. 

I hope my doomed Fate never is bestowed to my angels 

they are the flowers that grew amongst the weeds on the torrid gardens.

Ill take on their pains and sadness until  my air is no more. 

I realize they are my only purpose! 

Rage the broken

He loathes me in a way that makes me hate my own sight. 

He makes me want to apologize day and night. 

Tears pouring like rain 

I betrayed him and I was masked by disdain 

I fixated on you 

I pushed the shadow of possibility of ifs

You became my alluring stigma 

I never could have ensued 

The control I'd give to you 

You could shake me through and sift

I'd still maintain my love 

My sweat and blood for you is fresh

You profound my pallet  

I taste you and it like honey suffocated my life...

Milky fucking glory melts into my being 

I'm not ashamed by my lust

I want to show you my levels 

When you enter me my body quivers 

Seizures of life altering vibrations sweats 

I am, I am always ready and to pay my debts

I need you touch to finish 

I need you to feel happiness

We need to complete us 

We will remain undone 

Just call on me and I'll just run ....

Each new touch I'll continue to paint you ...